Monday 14th January 2019
Ayahausca is a purgative, anyone sensitive on the subject of poo and vomit, please be warned. The ceremonies became lovingly known as shit shows for a reason. Expect action in both departments of the body. Knowing that you may shit your pants in front of people that you have never met before until now, is actually, strangely freeing. We were all in the same boat after all. No-one did claim this prestigious achievement although, if they had, I would of hoped they'd of whipped off their pants, whirled them round in the air and flung them onto a nearby window with joyful abandon. Luckily there were plenty of toilets and vomit buckets to hug onto.
Also expect Miracles..it's part of the package.. along with 2/3 Hydrocolonic Cleanses, 1 Swedish massage, 21 farm to table organic meals, volcano mud baths, jacuzzi, steam room, gym, 3 Transformational Breathwork classes, 6 Yoga classes, 3 'The Answer is You' workshops and Guest Speakers. The Guest Speaker when I was there was Luke Sellars (he's awesome, check him out www.lukesellars.com) I heard Gerard introduce him as a lunatic, and the attraction was instant. I love lunatics, they are my kind of people. He was sat at the back and I didn't turn round to look at him. He was on after lunch.
7am Yoga on the open flying deck was again was a belter, taught by Sarah. The first one was with Candice. All the yoga teachers were excellent and wore several different hats around the resort, offering support at ceremony and general angelic authentic loveliness. At the last Breathwork session, a man thanked Christian, (the facilitator), and the 'Shakti love goddesses'. A fitting name for them, and a great name for a band.....back to Monday morning... The wind was picking up, blowing through the trees, the howler monkeys making their prehistoric roars and those birds... those birds were something else. The sun rose at about 6am. I would usually wake at about 5.30 and sit on the yoga deck taking in the sun rise. There were bicycles to ride to the beach or around the resort.
I had a my first colonic at 8am so left the yoga class early to head for the cleanse clinic. Tube up the bum, water flows in, you push it out. I was asked to lay in a position not dissimilar to giving birth. The water felt like the contractions and I start to puff like a woman in labour. It felt like I was giving birth to a poo. I half expected the nurse to come in and congratulate me on the arrival of my baby boy. I'd had a baby poo boy. My imagination had got the better of me again. Where was it all coming from??
At 9am Gerard gave us a talk/comedy stand up routine 'About your Miracle' next door. He is very open and engaging, funny and warm and passionate, tapped with a sincere vulnerability and urgency for us to heal and evolve.
Rythmia is a safe container in which to go deep. The Labrynth had laid the groundwork for the miracle occur, but like the workbook said, it means nothing without the belief behind it. Belief, after all, is everything, and.. being open... and surrendering. They are all up there on the list of good ways to live.
A miracle is everything you want plus more. You may come to find the love of your life and discover that YOU are the love of your life. I liked that. It took the pressure off my love addict mind that was telling me I was here to find a husband. I was here to find myself. To retrieve my soul from the split that had occurred. I believed this stuff. I had worked in personal growth groups that believed the same.
The split of the soul from the body, the formation of the ego. This was what life was about, breaking down the barriers that prevent love and the soul from re-entering, coming back full circle, becoming whole. I knew this intellectually, but my energy, and the events in my life that my energy was attracting, told me that on some level, the subconscious one, it had not fully landed.
We were about to go to work with the field, as we had called it, in workshops before, the field of consciousness on a much deeper level. To experience what we will all experience at death and I was super excited and metaphorically shitting my pants a little bit.
After lunch, I swam and arrived at Luke's workshop in a wet bathing suit, a bit late. It wasn't deliberate. I got given a Flower of Life sticker that I stuck on my phone case next to a key. When I walked in, he nodded at me. It felt like we had met before. I felt nervous. I was feeling the spike of adrenaline...my internal drug store had opened for business and it wasn't looking good. I listened to him, he was very interesting. I liked what he said about seeing children moving glasses of water around rooms with their minds, it reminded me of the spoon bending scene in The Matrix. I also liked the idea of placing something on an altar he had created at the side of the room, he said that we could place something there. I was creating wet patches (from swimming) on the seat by this time and decided it was best to leave and get changed, come back with an altar piece, perhaps the pendant urn that contained my dad's ashes. I got changed and by the time I arrived back, everyone was sitting in a circle meditating.
I didn't want to disturb this and I was also thinking that avoiding this man might be a good idea, because of the sparks. The drugstore cowboy was still riding shotgun in my system. Avoidance is SLAA's way of dealing with 'qualifiers'. SLAA is sex and love addict's anonymous. I was advised to go there after my relationship ended. A qualifier is someone who sparks a love addiction. Love and Addict don't sit comfortably in my head in the same sentence, never mind next to each other and I don't believe in avoiding anything. (I wasn't getting on too well in this fellowship) I can be very stubborn. I don't believe I am addicted to sex either, but I guess I can be proved wrong on every count. I keep an open mind about it but I'm not masterbating every second I get a chance to, and I don't go seeking sex. I do choose unavailable men who are not interested in me though, which is exhausting and really pointless, so I could qualify for the love addiction. Avoidance could work for me in this instance I thought.
This was before the 'Show me who I have become' trip really landed later on.
This Buddhist saying pretty much sums it up. I would look at it often but not feel it. Feelings were not just important, they were essential.
This is where I would like to explain why I believe Ayahausca is not a drug. Drugs for me, were a way of escaping or suppressing my feelings. Yes, they would come out sideways when I was drunk, but I would be in black out, not conscious, unable to process or take responsibility. Ayahausca is the opposite, it magnifies your feelings, shows you your shadow, whilst you are lucid, completely conscious, with nowhere to hide. I would also like to state that it is not the only way. Looking at Luke Sellars' meditation techniques especially The Tibetan cleanse and Spinal Breathing, the breathwork ceremonies and the yoga, all brought me to the same place in this week and after it, in the most profound ways.
I went for a walk around in between workshops, and spotted a pair of big lizards, they were Frank and his wife Carmel I decided, and I sent a picture of them to my daughter. I was starting to miss her and worry a little.
We spoke on the phone and she said she was 'fine' which meant she wasn't.
Flopping around on a hammock was nice and also being ignored by the 2 dogs that trotted about the place was amusing, they were like cats. They really weren't bothered about getting fussed over. I instantly respected them but was also a bit put out.
Plant integration with Gerry followed : This is what I heard: Pay attention to what bothers you. listen with your heart, Be open for de-construction and re-construction. What is coming, is going. You are being re-set. The medicine is pulling things from you. Things that are driving you, are going to be released. Your soul called and booked this trip because it wants back in. Go to the worst scariest thing, be a witness, smile. Breathe into it. If you vomit, ask your vomit what it is? Come in faith and trust. Never trust a fart. And the most important pointers..the 3 signs on the wall, the 3 parts of this process...to ask Mother Ayahausca...Show me who I've become..Merge me back with my Soul at all costs..and Heal my heart. And to remember the Ankh, the ancient Egyptian symbol of soul merging. Having the curiosity and wonder of a child really helped. I felt I had that, twinned with the emotional intelligence of a 12 year old, it's a 12 years sober thing I believe, when you are filling your face with booze and drugs, emotional growth is not high on the list. I was more skilled at it these days with clients, sponsees, my daughter etc but when it came to my personal life, forget it. I once put on a Sumo wrestling fancy dress fat suit to have a serious 'chat' with a boyfriend about breaking up, it was inappropriate and childish, but it lightened the mood a little. The inappropriate sense of humour comes from parents, I would like to blame both for mine. My dad got banned from a swimming pool in Edinburgh in his mid seventies, for shouting a racist remark and my mum used to call my niece a fat shrimp.
There are 4 types of journey with the plant, these are Body - Celestial surgery performed by aliens, silver minions or giants.
Mine were noodle stalks with eyes that live in pastel coloured boxes by my heart. I discovered this in the 2nd ceremony, when I looked down with my inside eyes, and there they were (are..they are still there!) with their smiley eyes waving about like sea anenomes. That's where they hang out after surgery. I am very gentle closing the boxes, as they are delicate. ( its okay to stop reading now..it may get more insane) The Pintas are the visions, patterns etc, the Consult is when you chat with animal spirits, people you know, or Mother Ayahausca. She is the Mother for sure, of all Mothers. Definitely female, definitely a snake, and the Nada, is when you sleep and your ancestral pathway is cleared, everyone wants this one, it's the easiest and quite rare.
In the first ceremony, the bed I was going for got nabbed so I went for my second choice, which turned out to better. It was nearer the toilet and the escape route, also known as a door.
I brought stuff with me, my baggage I like to call it.
This picture of a silver heart pendant contained my father's ashes. I could not pick this up without it being extremely emotionally painful. The purge was through tears on this night. After some time, I was able to place the heart on this makeshift altar I had made up by my mattress. My dad was a difficult man. He grew up in the slums of Glasgow with alcohol and violence. His father was the grandfather mentioned previously. In fact, he (grandfather) was a convicted paedophile I found out. He received a criminal conviction for molesting a family friend's daughter. It wasn't a pretty legacy. My parents were divorced when I was 4. I didn't see much of my father growing up, and when I did, his father would be there. Once, my dad told me that us kids meant nothing to him. We were walking into the local town where I lived, he had come to visit. It came out of the blue. I was so shocked that I started laughing, then worrying about the onset of his possible alzheimers. It was his way of distancing himself, not wanting to get too close. Detachment was his favourite word. Towards the end of his life, things got better, we made peace. When he died however, I had some unnerving suspicions that I had suppressed memories of him carrying on where his father left off. I was always a little guarded around him, always felt a little unsafe. It was one of my intentions during my stay to see the truth of this and I am relieved to say I was assured that this did not occur.
We had blankets by our mattresses, along with sick buckets and toilet roll. My blanket became a moving unfolding of darkness that eventually turned into a baby that I held on my lap and wept tears onto. The baby poo boy perhaps, or me, as a baby or the miscarriage, I wasn't sure. I eventually was able to put the baby to one side in a protective manner and breathe.. deep. The energy flying around was intense. I kept checking the altar and picking up the heart to make sure there was no more pain. I wasn't sick. The bed was in between 2 males. It reminded me later of being either side of Vince and my father. I was unsteady on my feet and Raven helped me to the toilet to pee. Raven was amazing. I will never forget her kindness and beauty. A lot of yawning and sighing was happening. No shit show for me yet.
This baby gecko landed on my chest at some point when I was sleeping. I thought I had squashed it a little, when I took it off my body. It was still moving when I looked at it but so were the bed sheets. I left it by my altar and went back to sleep. I felt a strong 'push' on my knees sweeping them to one side as if to wake me up.
I sat up and took the baby gheko into my hand, it was no longer moving. I took him/her outside for a respectful burial, vowing I would come back the next day and see if it was real. It was. I was upset. I'm pretty much a buddhist when it comes to animals, respecting all life and not eating anything with a face.
I had 2 cups of Ayahausca that night. The shaman and assistants/angels served rappe first, a cleansing tobacco that was blown into each nostril, and spat out. (in the buckets by our beds, not on the shaman)
Then we were called to form a line to receive the brew. I prayed to be shown who I had become and for the plant medicine to be gentle with me. The lady shaman wished me a pleasant journey and I went back to my bed and tried to not throw up for 10 minutes as suggested.
I opened my journal and the blank page I opened was filled with intricate patterns that were glowing and so so beautiful. I attempted to draw over them in the dark.
After drawing this, I became fascinated with my hairband that became symbolic of becoming whole, the full circle.
I asked Mother Ayahausca about the man in my previous relationship, for it had taken over my life for so long, what was the importance of it. I started laughing hysterically as the word that kept popping into my head was insignificant.
I felt a lot of 'work' happening on my left leg. In my twenties, I was run over by a car. I was cycling drunk, crossing the road as a car hit me and I flew 20 ft in the air and landed further up the road, unconscious. I awoke in hospital with nothing broken, but a severely bruised left leg and some damage to my hip and sacrum. It had always been the gammy leg since then. I again started laughing hysterically as what could only be described as someone tickling my leg up and down.
Throughout the ceremony I was very aware of Luke, when he would pass my bed to get water and when I heard him coughing, spitting, belching etc. He had mastered the art of making a belch sound positively regal, he was a pro. It became my distraction from my own process, which, in turn represented the way I distracted myself in my life process. The pieces of the puzzle were landing. The soundtrack to these ceremonies was pretty bizarre consisting of farting, (not me, I do not fart, ever, of course, because I am a female, we don't fart and we don't sweat, we glow) This reminded me of a celebrity chef, who forbade his wife to fart, like it was part of the pre-nup...'you fart ..I'm divorcing you'.. another reason I am not married perhaps. So farting, wretching, vomiting, spitting, sighing, orgasmic sighing, laughing and screaming, one man every so often would go 'hmmmm' really loudly, like he was Sherlock Holmes, rubbing his chin, in his deer stalker hat, pondering a clue.
At times, my ego would tell me that I was in a very posh crack house with a load of other junkies, or, that I was on set in a porn/horror film, making the soundtrack...or in an asylum. My soul knew I was in heaven, it was like bouncing on marshmallows, dripping in honey, swaying in harmonious ecstacy with the wind, the moon, the stars. It was truly beautiful and incredibly difficult to describe.
The Guardians of the Galaxy were the Shaman and the many other angel assistants whose support, protection and light surrounded everybody and held them through the dark times. It would not have been possible without them and it showed me the importance of how proper support and guidance is vital.
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